The South Paw Shuffle

Imagine the worst possible scenario for your family.  Your house floods, your dog dies, or perhaps your next door neighbor starts up a zydeco band.  For our family, true tragedy struck just a week ago in the form of my 13-yr-old son, Uber-Techie, breaking his arm. 

Now if Uber-Techie had just stayed put in his butt-worn computer chair, none of this would have come to pass, but you could make a case that the whole incident was my fault.  I made the foolish suggestion that Uber-Techie and his 11-yr-old brother, Hyper-Techie, go outside for their weekly supply of fresh air and enjoy the newly fallen snow. 

The story gets a little fuzzy at that point, because they hadn’t been outside long when H-T came dashing back inside saying something about them trying to build a snowman (how 20th century and quaint), and U-T had somehow slipped, and could I come quick.  I’ll admit, I was picturing U-T hidden behind the deck post ready to ping me with a rock-hard ball of ice, but mothering instincts kicked in, and I thought I’d better check just in case.  Sticking my head just outside the door enough to watch for incoming frost pellets, I saw U-T. On the ground.  Moaning and holding his arm.  What kind of mother was I, anyway?

Well, three hours, two Xanax, and $1,700 later, poor Uber was stuck on the couch, his arm in a cast, and his spirit crushed. You see, life was now essentially over for U-T.  The arm that he had broken was his right one – – his mouse-scrolling arm, his Wii-remote-controlling arm, his texting arm, and….God help us…his wiping arm.

“If you had just let me finish my level on Final Fantasy, none of this would have happened,” U-T lamented.  My head drooped. What kind of mother did this kind of thing to her thirteen-yr-old son?  Sent him outside in the god-forsaken cold, unsupervised, to build a man out of freakin’ frozen precipitation when he could have been safely tucked in his room chatting with strange 37-yr-old men on the net and drinking cocoa.  I pray no one calls social services….

I know what to do! Passing the buck always makes me feel better.  It could have been those stupid tennis shoes uber picked out last month.  I told him he should have gone with the cute blue and white high-tops with TREAD on the bottom, but did he listen?  Of course not.  And now look where it got him…..whew.  Guilt relieved.  I’m feeling totally better now.  Oh God, I just heard him call me from the bathroom. 

WHY did it have to be his right arm??!!  This is going to be a long six weeks.

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5 Responses

  1. This is so funny it hurts. Not that your little U-T broke his arm but the circumstances around the event. There is humor in every situation–so glad you could see yours and share it with the rest of us. Very Funny..laughing as I walk out the door!!

  2. It ate my comment! AHH.

    This is so funny. You did a great job adding humor to this post. You do know that as a mom it is your responsibility to teach him how to use his left arm right? Chasing around a 2-year old heiney is bad enough. I can’t even imagine.

    Your writing is very scenic and easily allows your reader in.

    One suggestion: I would capitalize “Uber-Techie” just as you would a name so that it stands out until your readers know your family and their “names.” I also like your abbreviations for them. It all flows nicely.

    Great job!

  3. OMG! That was hilarious. I actually snorted! :o) Your way of writing is really good! I loved the humor throughout.

  4. LOL, I love the part about the Xanax it’s just so funny.

  5. Too funny! Look at it as a life lesson for what lefties like me go through living in a right handers’ world. I have to show this to my left handed daughter!

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