Can A Seeing Eye Dog Be Very Far Off ?

The men in my house are all the sensitive type.  In the movies, the empathetic man always gets the girl. In books, the female protagonist is always drawn to the strong, sensitive hunk with the sideways grin.  In reality, especially in a small two-bedroom house, sensitivity is not necessarily a plus.

H-T can actually feel his hair getting cut.  Seriously.  If Supernanny had been around when he was 3 or 4 years old, I SO would have bought her a plane ticket across the pond so she could witness the monthly ritual I now fondly call “The Hair Exorcism.”  Writhing spitting, flailing, and heads turning 360 degrees were par for the course at each trim.  When H-T finally got enough verbal acumen, he was able to explain that all those antics were due to the fact that getting his hair cut physically hurt. image For 3 or 4 more years, I calmly explained in scientific terms even Steve Hawking would approve of that it is virtually impossible for the brain to feel pain in something that doesn’t even have nerve endings.  When H-T got even more verbal acumen, he asked me to test him.  I would stand behind him with the scissors, and he would raise his hand anytime he felt me actually splice through a follicle.  I’m here to declare to Stephen Hawking and the rest of the scientific world at large that some people have nerve endings in their hair.  The kid was right every single time. Thank God for Cartoon Network.  I finally learned to hold my snips until Ed, Edd, and Eddy had done something so side-splittingly-funny that H-T hardly noticed the surgery I was performing sans anesthesia.

R-T can only watch television in the dark.  In the pitch black dark.  Otherwise, the ultraviolet lights from lamps, other appliances, and god-forbid that ball in the sky, cast reflections on the screen, and obstruct his view.  When we were dating, I thought he was just trying to get fresh every time he reached across me to pull the lamp cord.  I was flattered.  Now?  I’ve become like those fish in caves that go blind because they aren’t exposed to enough natural light.  I’m having to get my glasses prescription changed twice a month.  I figure I’ve got about two good years of eyesight left. 

The most tragic example of the sensitivity in this household has cropped up in the last couple of weeks.  It has affected our family closeness, and mealtime togetherness is now a thing of the past.  Uber has suddenly developed the ability to hear us chew our food.  We’ve tried to stop.  Honest we have.  But you can only do the Heimlich on each other so many times before you realize that pork chops don’t pass through the esophagus without some previous breakdown.  So back to chewing we went.  Uber, completely mortified and nauseated by our primitive ways, has taken to eating far from the sounds of our caveman feasting.

I understand a woman’s yearning for a sensitive soul to share life with.  Fabio makes for a beautiful cover boy. And who can resist Peter Parker in all his superhero angst. But I gotta be honest, folks. There are times when Larry the Cable Guy starts looking awfully good in those wife-beaters.  Whatcha wanna bet that when he reaches across his woman, he’s not thinking about getting a better view of Anderson Cooper 360?

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7 Responses

  1. ROFL – I can’t wait to read this post to hubby when he gets home! He’s also one who likes to watch in the pitch black – which wouldn’t be so bad except that I’m usually trying to read I mean, really, how much golf is a wife required to watch? Does yours fall asleep on the couch clutching the remote – and then yell “I was watching that!” when you try to extricate it with surgical precision?

    And my ds can’t “feel” his hair being cut, but he can “hear” it. And apparently it’s akin to fingernails on a chalkboard (which strangely, doesn’t bother him at all).

    Boys are weird.

  2. Ooooo, I am in the midst of the almost-four-year-old hair hurting issue. So, he’s usually a bit of a shaggy dog most of the time…it’s just easier. Good luck there with all that sensitive testosterone. ugh…

  3. Ok, R-T here. Yes, I do like to watch the TV in the dark. Do you like to go to the movies and watch with the house lights on? Yes, I happen to like to SEE Anderson Cooper when he talks. I would not think Topsy would mind seeing him in the dark. He was named one of the sexiest men in America in something recently.Due to the lights in the room, the last time I actually SAW Anderson Cooper, he had dark hair. I hear he is rumored to have gone gray now.

    Now, the truth is that the men in the Topsy household are not the only ones who are sensitive. Topsy has a hyper sensitivity to snoring. She can snooze right through my shows that have explosions, gunfire and screaming, but if I snore she wakes up instantly. It is not only me. She cannot sleep if she hears the dogs snoring (I swear I am not making this up), but she will sleep right through a hurricane.
    So dear Topsy, I love you and I am sorry that your eyesight is going due to the darkness. It would be ironic though if one day your seeing eye dog began to snore.

  4. Oh this is a funny post and the comments from R-T just top it all off. My husband says the same about me falling asleep through his thriller, gun shooting, loud movies but the minute they turn it off and someone laughs I’m up telling them to stop with the noise. Too Funny! As always Topsy–great post!

  5. lovely!
    i soooo remember screeching hair torture episodes with the youngest…. is a wonder we were never refered to the child protection team

    and now?
    http://themuddledmarketplace.blogspot.com/2007/09/can-i-just-hide-under-table-please.html

  6. Gilly – –
    thanks for stopping by…the pic in your post was just priceless!! Oh the teen years!!

  7. this child used to be home schooled… for a very short while

    he’s now in a parental collective of home schoolers (which is called a school)
    but it’s christian and sweet and…not the sort of place I’d really want him to turn up to- looking Like That.

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