Start Stocking Up on Fruitcake Now!

Have you ever noticed that once you get out of the habit of blogging regularly, it is really hard to get back in the habit??  Combine that with a monumentally large lack of anything worthwhile to say, and you have a big whoppin’ case of blogger’s block. 

Normally, I would fall back on a meme.  But I haven’t even found a meme that inspired me.  So, what’s a bloggin’ gal to do?

Be ridiculous, of course……so here goes:

I’m worried.  I don’t know how much thought in an average day that I give to global warming, but it is probably an average of around six times a day.  On a really hot day, it might eke up to around ten times.

But lately, I’ve been thinking about it a LOT.  That’s because last week I heard this factoid that scares the be-jeezus out of me.  Scientists are theorizing that the North Pole could be ice-free in just ten years. 

Did you catch that??  In ten years, Santa is actually going to have to find new digs!!!  I’m sorry, but the magnitude of that  has really been causing me to lose sleep.  I don’t deal with change well.

I mean the relocation costs alone will have to put a serious dent in Santa’s gift budget.  And with the economy the way it is, any elves that get laid off may be out of work for months before finding a toy shop that is hiring.  It also scares me to think what else Santa might have to scrimp on…

Dry cleaning can’t be high on his priority list.  So I’m figuring that he’s gonna wear that red suit several Decembers in a row before sending it in for a wash.  No matter how quiet Santa is coming down the chimney, there isn’t much chance of him staying stealthy if he reeks of reindeer droppings and two-hour-old milk moustache.

The quality of the toys is bound to suffer as well.  The first place toy manufacturers cut corners is always in their materials, so I’m picturing a lot of unhappy kids on Christmas morning as they discover their new iPod is held together with scotch tape and elfin earwax. 

And heaven help us if the big guy picks up a GPS on clearance at Big Lots.  I don’t care if they do have “brand names at closeout prices”, I haven’t found an item in that store yet that I would trust to get Saint Nick around the world and back again without missing a house or two (and damn it, you know it’s going to be my house that gets missed because we could never even get a good DirecTV signal around here!)

Sadly, it’s always the wife who feels the economic pinch worst of all.  Poor Mrs. Claus is supposed to keep her hubby fat and jolly.  But with Santa’s moving expenses, the rising cost of reindeer kibble, and the unemployment benefits Santa’s going to have to pay to those laid-off elves, I’m imagining the cupboards are going to be pretty bare around the Claus house come 2018.  Let’s hope and pray that food stamps will be enough to cover all those milk and cookies.

Al Gore can talk all he wants about the sea levels rising and more hurricanes, but the inconvenient truth really is that Christmas, as we know it, is going to hell in a handbasket.  I mean who in their right mind cares that tropical diseases are going to skyrocket if there is no holly-jolliness on December 25??!!  If there is no Christmas caroling, no popcorn-string making, or no secretly shaking the presents under the tree, then I say let the mosquitoes go ahead and take me now.

What can I say?  These kinds of things keep me awake at night. 

santa

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5 Responses

  1. Over the weekend I saw a children’s book about this very issue: When Santa Turned Green. I only had a chance for a cursory flip-through, but it seemed a good way of explaining some of these issues in picture-book format.

    • Holly – this made me laugh so hard – – thanks!

      Dan – What a terrific idea for a children’s book!! Why am I always the last one to think of these things???!!!

  2. Sure, you joke. But, I haven’t been able to mention this very issue because I get into enough trouble in Feb. when I forget what gift Santa brought and what I gave without causing nightmares about Santa being flooded out.

  3. My word, woman, if this is the kind of brilliance you come up with when you’re “blocked” I don’t want to hear any more complaints out of you!

  4. That’s cute.

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