Newsflash: Rogaine Stocks Fly Through The Roof

Once in a long while the earth produces a human being who is a visionary.  An out-of-the-box thinker.  Someone who can see the big picture and theorize about upcoming trends and changes. 

I happen to be lucky enough to have one of those in my very own household.  Because of homeschooling, our youngest son has had the freedom to become something of a “Thinker.”  You know him as “H-T,” but the world will one day know him as the “Boy Who Foretold World Baldness.”

I’m afraid it just isn’t ethical to keep all this knowledge within the family anymore.  I feel it is my duty to inform the world of what they may or may not want to know about the future that awaits us.  May I introduce to you the theories of the 21st Century Nostradamus…

THEORY #1 – STOP BUILDING THOSE ASTEROID SHELTERS!

H-T believes that although geologic evidence shows that asteroids have created havoc on earth every 65 million years or so, we can stop looking toward the skies with our telescopes and asteroid armor.  The fact that we are thousands of years past due for our latest impact, H-T says, means that the source of all those previous rock fights has probably shifted somewhere else in the universe.  I gotta tell you, I am really relieved about that one, because I have my eye on that proposed shelter space in the back yard for a whirlpool!

THEORY #2 – IS THAT A UNIVERSE IN YOUR POCKET, OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?

This theory, which I freely admit I don’t understand more than five or six words of, involves the ability to change history by traveling back through time in a “pocket universe,” which I gather is some sort of alternate dimension.  Hey, if I could take back that frizzy perm the week before 9th grade class pictures, I’d get in anybody’s pocket.

THEORY #3 – UNCLE RUSSELL IS ALREADY, LIKE, SO EVOLVED

Theory #3 involves the changes that will begin to take place in human anatomy and physiology.  H-T foresees the human species growing larger heads to accommodate brains that will be growing to keep up with quickly advancing technologies.  But at the same time, they will be trying to adapt to the rising temperatures created by Global Warming.  Therefore, larger heads and less body hair will be the new fashion trend in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue of 2,343.

THEORY #4 – NO MORE EXCUSES FOR MISSING CHRISTMAS DINNER

H-T firmly believes that at the rate the continents are moving each year  – – 1 to 10 cm – – (so that explains that woozy feeling I get when I stand still!) they will eventually all bump into one another at some point in the future, creating a repeat performance of Pangaea.  That means we’ll all be getting a little closer, and needing a little more Arrid Extra Dry, folks! When I asked him how he could possibly know this to be the case, the following conversation ensued:

H-T: “Mom, don’t you understand the 12 Monkeys paradigm?”  (Yes, he said paradigm.)

Me: “Uh, no.  Were they a music group from the 70’s?”

H-T: (Rolls eyes)  “It says that if you put 12 monkeys and 12 typewriters in a room for 1,000 years, eventually one of them would write Hamlet.  It’s the same way with Pangaea.”

Me: “Oh, that paradigm.”  (Looks for the scar on back of H-T’s scalp where the aliens implanted the chip)

 

So…

you guys wanna know MY theory? 

I think that homeschooled kids may rule the world one day. 

And that they will be the ones with the fattest, baldest heads of all.  THE END.